Older adults who find themselves living alone e time, they may wonder if being partnered is right for them, at this stage of their lives. Seniors Guide writer Terri L. Jones looks at some pros and cons of senior romance.
Recently, however, the show’s producers announced that their newest bachelor would be a little more, shall we say, experienced. “The Golden Bachelor,” as he’s being called, is 71!
Thankfully, “The Bachelor” isn’t alone in its mission to portray the romantic relationships of older adults. Recently, more and more seniors have been popping up on TV screens in show like “Shrinking,” “Severance,” and “Never Have I Ever,” ostensibly because producers recognize the opportunity to expand their audiences. (Baby boomers’ percentage of the population is neck and neck with millennials and Gen Z, who historically portray the coupled-up characters you find on TV.) In 2022, “Good Luck to You, Leo Grande,” starred Emma Thompson as a retired schoolteacher seeking the sensuality that her life had lacked.
But perhaps more importantly, representing love between older characters simply represents real life. It’s not your grandparents’ world anymore, where after a divorce or the death of a spouse, many just lived out their lives alone. While there are no statistics on how many seniors are dating nowadays, all you have to do is look at all the senior dating apps to know there are plenty of them out there!
So how is dating different now?
Your must-haves in a relationship definitely shift as you get older. Gone are the days when you choose to date someone just because of their looks or sex appeal. According to the “Dating and Love Among 55+ in 2021” survey conducted by Choice Mutual, trust was most seniors’ highest priority in a relationship, followed by honesty and communication. Sexual attraction ranked a distant eighth.
You’re also not playing around or playing games anymore. You want a deep connection. “They [seniors] genuinely want to meet someone new and spend time with them,” says Scott Valdez, founder of VirtualDatingAssistants, of seniors out there on the dating scene.
While you may feel at a disadvantage because of your more advanced age, your past experiences can work in your favor. Ken Solin, author of The Boomer Guide to Finding True Love Online, explains, “They [seniors] have good ideas in mind of what’s going to work for them and what isn’t. They’ve dated enough, they’ve been married, they’ve been in relationships, they know what they’re looking for.”
In an article in “Variety,” The Golden Bachelor, Gerry Turner, agreed: “When you’ve lived a long, full, happy, productive life, almost by accident, you gain some wisdom and knowledge. I think the age factor, whether it’s for me or for the women, is a really strong advantage in ways that I don’t think everyone sees quite yet. I think there’ll be some surprising reveals on the show where that age is such an advantage.”
The whys
Most of the reasons older adults seek a partner are pretty much the same as their younger counterparts: companionship, emotional support, affection, etc. However, these aren’t the only motivations.
Often, it’s a case of simply not wanting to depend solely on your children, friends, and neighbors for help or things to fill your time. By leaning on a partner instead, you’re able to retain the same dynamic as you’ve always had with the other people in your lives, particularly your kids. And because you have more time to have fun in this stage of your life, you may be looking for a cohort to join you in your adventures. In fact, one study found that shared interests may be more important than shared beliefs in senior relationships.
A significant other in a senior romance can also help you manage health problems and has even been found to increase longevity.
The why nots
Unfaithful or abusive partners or unfulfilling past relationships may make you gun-shy about exploring another union. And even if you didn’t have a negative experience in the past, people who have been in decades-long relationships may feel there’s no need to go there again. What’s more, seniors often don’t want the responsibility or the heartbreak of caring for a declining partner.
If you’ve lived alone for years, you may question whether you can adjust to sharing your space. (I can tell you from personal experience that I’m still getting used to it after a whole decade!) You also may be afraid that becoming part of a couple again will infringe on your newfound identity, autonomy, and lifestyle.
“I know many older women who want companionship but are worried about living together or getting married because they lose some independence,” Elizabeth reported to “On Life and Love after 50” enewsletter. “Many are afraid of taking on household chores or losing financial independence.”
When there’s a desire for intimacy but concern about merging lives, many couples choose to live apart together (LAT), which means that each person maintains their own residence and the bulk of their lifestyle. This arrangement can take a lot of the day-to-day stresses out of the relationship, like taking out the trash or who ate the last bagel, while focusing on what’s important: the relationship itself.
Two’s company; a family’s a crowd
On top of other qualms, you ily, particularly your grown children, will react to your senior romance. While they can be helpful in areas like weeding out the bad partners from the good and providing advice on what to wear and where to go, family members can get a little too involved in the process. Some grown kids may feel like you’re trying to replace their other parent and be overly critical of the people you date. Other family members could also be a little too free with their opinions.
“You’re an adult,” says relationship expert Dr. Jessica O’Reilly. “You have more life and relationship experience than most members of your family, so while you may welcome their input, you’re the ultimate authority on your own love life.”
To avoid some of the scrutiny, it’s best to wait until you’re confident in the relationship to introduce dating partners to your family. Or at least be clear about what advice you want and what you don’t with those well-meaning people in your life.
Senior romance is worth it!
There were plenty of reasons even The Golden Bachelor was leery about dating. Before he was cast on the show, he’d think: “Nah, I’m pretty happy by myself. I can get up and cook my bacon and eggs anytime I want, and I don’t have to answer to anyone.” But, he added, “I always come back to that belief that people are designed to be with another person [and] that they complement each other and they make each other better.”
No relationship is all rainbows and unicorns; there are always trade-offs. But at the end of the day, finding your better half, your soul mate, your plus-one for life can definitely be worth it!