Maybe he just genuinely loves his granddaughter and there’s nothing more to it than that, but that doesn’t mean you have to be at his beck and call to send pictures and videos
I need some advice .. My FIL is obsessed with my daughter. He wants to see her multiple times a week, wants to FaceTime, talks constantly about how he wants her to love and trust him, always asking for pictures and videos and then sends those pictures and videos to everyone he knows. Maybe because I didn’t grow up in a really loving household, this dynamic he’s trying to create gives me the ick. It makes me uncomfortable and he’s a manipulative and controlling person so I don’t necessarily think his motives are sexual but maybe that he’s trying to form an attachment in order to control her?
He sent me a text today saying “I miss her beautiful smile and big brown eyes” and while it seems harmless, I’m not used to a grown man making so many comments about a little girl’s dateinasia arvostelut features. He comments on her appearance when he comes to visit too.
My grandma will text me daily to ask for pictures of my son, but she’s the only one lol. If my FIL or MIL did that, I might feel a bit smothered – they can ask their own son to send pictures, it doesn’t need to go through me. Does he only reach out to you for FTs and pics or does he ask your partner as well?
I also don’t like that he’s sending them out, just for privacy reasons. It’s one thing if he’s showing off his grandbaby to friends when they get together, but I feel like it’s an invasion of privacy to text pictures you send to other people. I set this boundary with my own family early on that the pictures I send them are for them, not for other people, because I don’t know the people they are sending them to. Even if it’s innocent and with good intentions, there has to be limits!
Bottom line, if it’s giving you the ick or annoying you or making you uncomfortable in any way, you don’t owe him anything! That’s a big mental load!
don’t really have any advice, but just came to say you’re not alone – my FIL also gives me the ick and is incredibly controlling/the definition of toxic masculinity. Fortunately, we have a son, but he has always made comments about wanting a granddaughter. He is obsessed with my son and it’s taken him & my MIL both an entire 18 months to chill out just a little bit. Based on your post, I’m now dreading if we ever do have a girl
Anyways, just do your best to set boundaries when & where you can and if your partner is comfortable, force them to set the boundaries, it’s their parents for Pete’s sake. You shouldn’t have to do all the heavy lifting there. The same is reciprocated on my side.
I have a good relationship with my ILs, and they respect boundaries!
If he’s not doing / saying anything inappropriate then I think maybe you are just not used the affection your FIL is giving your daughter. But I feel you it gets annoying when they ask for pics and FT constantly. When you can do it do it. If not then tell them later. My family is the same way. It’s like, I don’t have time to get a good pic or FT all the time
They love my girl to bits but never ask for pictures of her, maybe that’s because they see her at least once a week anyway. My parents live in another country and my mum likes to FT but she mostly waits for me to offer, never tries to force it on me. If you feel what your FIL is doing is too much, you need to step back and set a few boundaries. It doesn’t matter in one sense what his motives are, if it’s making you uncomfortable, then it has to stop. Tell him (or better yet, get your partner to talk to him) that you’ll send pictures when you can, and they’re only for him, not anyone else. And give him a certain time you’ll FT, like once a week on Tues morning for example. If he’s controlling, then take back some of that control!
I have a great relationship with my parents, and I feel like this is a bittttttt ick. My dad is super casual, he loves his first grandchild more than he loves any of us (lol) but he’s not weirdly overwhelming.
that isn’t the norm for either set of grandparents in our family. if before kids you would describe him as manipulative and controlling, then I would put boundaries up. as far as the excessive compliments, that sounds like a clueless boomer who doesn’t know what is and isn’t okay to say. have your SO talk to him about what you’re comfortable with when it comes to boundaries. good luck!
I just came to say that as long as the love he’s giving your daughter isn’t harming her in any way, let him have the contact with her. It might annoy you and come off as cringy, but a grandparent in her life is a blessing. We lost my husband’s dad, and both of my parents in the first year of our son’s life. Some of the only memories he will have of his grandpas will be hospital photos as a newborn. It breaks our hearts everyday that he won’t have those connections. We have one living grandparent across the country and we FaceTime her regularly and send photos almost daily.
It sounds like he’s trying to be a positive presence in her life even if he’s overdoing it with being a grandparent. Just like there’s no clear handbook on how to be a parent, there isn’t one for grandparents either. If you feel that certain behaviours are overbearing or too intense, try having a conversation with your significant other and him. Maybe he doesn’t know that he’s coming across that way. I hope you guys find a way to create healthy boundaries and your little lady and FIL can have many more memories to come!